Among these historical walls we listen to the music of J.S. Bach: Matthias passion. This is a long performance, all together it takes a bit more than three hours. Sitting in the church, excluding everything for these three hours makes a special atmosphere to focus on the passion-week.

From Palm Sunday as we shouted “Hosanna” everything changed upside-down. Who had hope feel anger, who had doubts feel fear, who had questions feel frustration, the answer comes in a different way.

As I focus inside in this passion-week I go through all these periods. As I think about my hopes, and no answers in the way as I hoped it will come. I have fear and worries not seeing the salvation. There are no ways out of labyrinth?

All these feelings come through the music’s sounds. The disciples were confused, on the one hand they amazed Jesus on the other hand they had frustration and felt deluded. While Jesus “sings” with the choral “What is the God’s will, let it be, because that is the best of all always. He is ready to help those who are in needs, He is the benignant God who’s retribution is with good measure, but who has trust in Him and build on Him strongly will never be forsaken” I struggle with my tears. Why is it so difficult to accept to Lord’s will in my life if I know, I experienced that is really good what is in his plan.

The music stirs me up going through on the horns of Jesus’ dilemma being so innocent, having all the pains of the sin, of my sin He had no chance to run away. And even He didn’t want to give up the redemption. The alto solo cries for mercy!

Than my spirit sings with the choir “I turned from you, but I am back. Placate with us as your son with all His agony reconcile us with you! My sin cannot be gainsaid. But your goodwill and mercy is much higher than all the sin in me.”

The words and tunes of this passion finish with crying. The choir sings a good night song full with pain and with sense of guilty, meanwhile all these three hours made me to understand that I need this death to get life.

As I stood up, felt like someone, who washed her face and sees clearly it in the mirror. Yes this is me, who made it with you my Lord, Jesus Christ, but I know that you forgive me, and I don’t want to hurt you once again. Be my strength to keep my promise to follow you and live as you wish me to fulfil your will! Be in peace my Spirit, all is done, your salvation is done, Jesus Christ has paid the prize! His blood cleaned my heart just grab His mercy as He offers His blood for you. The sheep is on the altar, He made it for you instead of you! Sing a song to him my mouth. Praise His name and stay in hope! Everything is good as He does! Wait in peace, the resurrection comes!

Aniko Ujvari, April 2010